Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
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Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I don’t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.