Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.