“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
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Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
“I wouldn’t.”
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally