NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
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any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.