Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
You Might Also Like
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
necessity is the mother of invention
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said