I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
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When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
meow
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Bond. Trauma bond.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.