For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
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Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?