How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs