When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
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11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
I…do not understand how electricity works.