got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
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Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Spa day..😅
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.