Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
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“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related