Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.