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Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
my fav colour is also hitler
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
😂😂😂
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Me, in DM rooms…
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.