I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!
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Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.