No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
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To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Vodka burrito was a success
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
oh shit
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
For anyone who needs this today
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.