Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
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Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.