He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
When people get food poisoning they always tell you it came out both ends. But there’s no need to malign the a** in that scenario, the food was going to come out of there regardless of whether it was poisonous
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire