*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
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Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
The old gods are rising again.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Is….Is this an option?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”