[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
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[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Kentucky names the shit out of places
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
🤣✨#caturday
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?