I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
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Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium