Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
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Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.