My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
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Taliband
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
This trial is so absurd 😭
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.