Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Celine DiOn
*claps twice*
Celine DiOff
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.