Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
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hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
SCARY COSTUME
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Sheep
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Not to brag or anything, but I can forget what I’m doing while I’m doing it.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.