Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
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I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Me: Being a stay-at-home parent is so filling!
Her: You mean fulfilling, right
Me: (stuffing my face with goldfish crackers) No.
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
I have a black belt in leather
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade