All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
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I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Someone just threatened to call me later
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried