I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
You Might Also Like
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?