Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
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Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
WWE is French for “yes”
That was easy.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.