Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
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ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
every single time
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.