Strange
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“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason