You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
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[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
It always starts out “you’re so funny” and ends with “oh dear… oh my god… wtf”
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”