I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Sometimes I am proud of my mistakes, sometimes I am ashamed.
My kids: We have NAMES, Dad!
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
✌️
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.