Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.