I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
You Might Also Like
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.