If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
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ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.