[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
You Might Also Like
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over