Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
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88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news