you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
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I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
i’m still crying at this
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Born to be mild.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied