I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
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“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.