Basically.
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I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Boating season is upon us.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!