The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
the short answer to this question
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?