I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
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Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..