If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
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When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…