I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
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[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah