If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
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Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.
This was a choice made.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana