bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
All the baby books tell you that infants need to eat every 2 to 3 hours, but what they fail to mention is that this behavior continues until the child turns 18 and moves out of your house.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier