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[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
🤣🤣
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
This made me chuckle.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?