My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
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REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
#have a #great #PancakeDay
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.