I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.