If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
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This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.